Intellectual, smart, talented, beautiful , had it all .Yet shed tears secretly every night after gulping in all the harsh words . Some of them used to joke around and I would simply ignore , hiding the pain in fake giggling .While other few intended to hurt, triggering at my heart's sensitive corner. Maybe , they desired to influence me for a positive outcome, but the negativity of that very moment, retained and left a deeper scar , everytime .
Once, twice , thrice .. continued n felt like unending agonising phase , so just got used to these ongoing humiliating incidents at home and with friends , just as another part of my routine , like designing for clients was .
Do you know why ? Because my body weighed more than what I was as a person , my intellect and my soul , in the eyes of all of them , even my family .
I realised, " Age is not just a number " , this increasing number brings along a lot more , more responsibilities, changed mindsets and new perceptions formed about you , by all the chunks you consider close .
Chubby lil doll , was what I was called . I literally forgot my real name .. pulling my chubby cheeks was a morning tradition for each family member but then I grew up .. Age increased and so did the title , which transformed into a young fat 23 year old woman , who ought to loose weight to look good .
My earnest , biggest dream was limited to Fashion Designing from day 1 , besides this , was my greatest passion - to eat . I loved food as a hardcore foodie does and still do. What's really wrong in that ?
And yes, I was confident enough about the outlook I carried along and that's what at the end should really matter . But sadly , in my case , it didn't .
Every morning , thought was a fresh start and I woke up with new targets set in my head , reminding the heart after dressing up , ' Hotter than many , don't care about any ' . Designers are judged by their designs or else when they resign .
But for the rest , the day might be new but their job to pressurise me in every possible way was same as the last night .
Every night at the dinner table , all those eyes staring at me , felt like 'spare me the horror' . Every such instance , DID lower my self esteem yet they continued to romanticise the idea of judging by the measurements , specially a girl. And I couldn't grasp this irrelevant ideology nor could I throw up these emotions on anyone .
As the clock stuck 11pm that night , i still remember the date , 26th of December, I came in my room , shivering due to the cold weather or my high anxiety level made me tremble like that ? I cried my heart out .
Why can't they focus on independent Me , rather than this ugly body shape ? My parents are highly embarrassed , everywhere , everytime , because of me , this idea kept on pricking my conscious and that night changed it all .
Maybe the new year altogether bought a NEW ME along . Next two months were literally tough, I hardly have any memory of going out to chill with my lot . All I can recall is , the skipped meals , staying up late at nights with that one cup of coffee and the effect can be easily seen on the body shape now . My hardwork paid in all the aspects . I'm glad . Hahaha !
Wait ! Brighter , even finer were their faces , mom dad's , at that time , when my designs got showcased at The New York Fashion Week , the spark in their eyes with tears rolling down , expressed it all .
She walked up to me , that was the most emotional hug ever and whispered , " My daughter won't change herself for anyone . You are just so perfect , my ' Chubby Lil Doll ' . Candies are what a 3 year old desires , you are 23 , no need to crave as you truly deserve them for what you have acquired . "